My answer:

first of all. yes. that is horrible. i have diabetes and it is an awful struggle. second of all read this.

So…you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you’ve read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn’t one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total HELL. But, since you want one, I’ll go ahead & prep you for it. I’ll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn’t make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that’s all you’ll be doing.

The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you’ll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won’t be gorgeous .One thing’s for certain. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won’t be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn’t enjoy it.

The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything…or you might be extra lucky…you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren’t losing, you’ll still be HOOKED. You still won’t be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you’ll be too far in it to *snap* think “Oh…this isn’t working…I think I’ll eat again.” No…you’ll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won’t be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you’ll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you’re not losing any weight, of course). By then you can’t eat less though. You’re barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can’t stop. It isn’t working & you still can’t stop. & whether its working or not, you won’t see the truth. You’ll never actually know what you look like. Nope…no matter what you’ll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn’t it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn’t lose weight. But don’t sit there & think that means you won’t be sick. Not true…not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping…well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won’t be like that. You won’t be one of the failures. You’ll be successful; you’ll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.

Well, since you’re going to win, why don’t I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It’s quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won’t see it. You’ll look in the mirror & see fat. You’ll see rolls. You’ll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can’t be as thin as they are. You’ll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you’ve gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won’t get to watch. You’ll never see the truth. Others will though. You’ll be sickly skinny…but you won’t be pretty. & they’ll all see that. You won’t though…you’ll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won’t. You’ll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won’t, so don’t think it will. Don’t even bother to attempt it. You’ll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you’re gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you’re covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything.

Do you have pretty hair? You won’t anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won’t. It won’t & there’s no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won’t make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You’ll need it. You’ll probably be wearing it all the time. You’ll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn’t a nice color….because it won’t be soon. Yes…the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn’t it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of…oh…dignity to my look.

Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You’ll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It’s hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They’re jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it…I know why though. Its not because they’re smart & healthy…no, no. Its because they’re weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I’m still strong, aren’t I? Yes…because I don’t eat. & that’s true strength, isn’t it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup…strong & smart.

I bet you’re one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they’re fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They’ll only break soon anyway.

Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It’ll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down.

Also, you’ll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you’ve been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can’t have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you’re not having sex because you’ll never know if you’re pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes…you can still get pregnant. I hope you don’t love the baby though, because chances are you’ll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you…but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you’re not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn’t. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well…pregnancy makes you fat anyway.

Since you’re one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I’ll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You’re taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don’t work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice.

How do you like to sit? Oh…you like your legs crossed? Hmm…too bad. Can’t do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn’t like what you’re used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don’t try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea…very painful. Don’t stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.

Fainting is common too. & don’t think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they’ll wonder why…and unless they’re complete idiots they’ll probably know why…especially if you’re 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself??

You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds…why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course…oh! I must’ve forgotten to mention those! Oooh…the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You’ll double over to massage the knots out and…what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There’s nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me…you’ll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway…it might make you feel better to pretend there’s something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs…you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin…oooh…or don’t. Your tummy’s too empty; it’ll only make you throw up everywhere.

It’s worth it right? Anything’s worth it, even your hair, nails, bones, muscles, possible children, your family’s heart, everything. Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You’re thin now, that’s what counts, even though you don’t know it.

You’ll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can’t tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.

Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That’s right, you’ve got that now too. You’re exhausted beyond belief but you still can’t fall asleep…& when you do you can’t stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway.

Do you do well in school? You don’t now. You can’t concentrate. Your mind won’t function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall. Want to recover? You’ll probably have to leave school. How does repeating a grade sound?

Do you like going out with friends? You won’t for long. You’ll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You can’t leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes…you’re terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You’ll become more nervous too. Jittery. You’ll also have difficulty talking. Oh…have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can’t go out with friends anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they’ll want to go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don’t want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can’t. & they might make you eat. You can’t do that…no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare they?? They’re jealous…that’s it, they’re jealous. Soon you’ll realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of them. They don’t understand & they’re plotting your downfall. You can’t have that, you can’t lose this. Every time someone urges you to eat or recover “for your health” you know the truth. They hate you & want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who love you. That’s the only way you’ll ever be thin.

But one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover. Death is easier. First you’ll have to admit you need help (that is, on the chance that you haven’t been forced into recovery…recovery that will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. Maybe you’ll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully supportive, she might’ve already known. Or maybe she won’t think you have a real problem. Then you’re on your own. Maybe you’ll tell your doctor. & if you tell your mom, she’ll take you to a doctor. Then its better. You’re safe now, they’ll help you. They’ll understand. Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get help. You might not be able to afford it.

As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won’t understand either. Their comments will hurt, you’ll want to scream when they ask why you don’t just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too…but then, you’ve been there. You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it’s too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die…& fighting it is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You’ll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you’ll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you’ll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you’ll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder.

After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you’d die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you’ve eaten right for months & months your body still isn’t the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won’t. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you’ll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You’ll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you’ll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you’ll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You’ll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you’ll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I’m not talking about the physical pain. That’s the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that’s describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You’ll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation…

WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you’re still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won’t be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won’t steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you’ll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don’t control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don’t even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None.

Do you honestly think that you’ll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There’s nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it.


Do you want to look at your family’s faces & know that you’re killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they’re dying & KNOWING that there’s NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you’ll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you’re starving yourself you won’t see that anguish. You won’t be able to. You can’t see anything, you’re too self absorbed. You’re too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You’ll see it when you recover though & you’ll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You’ll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it…& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life. You’ll hate yourself.

But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you’ve likely just signed your own death warrant…& you likely don’t even care…yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you’d give anything to take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you’re in deep enough to care, you’re already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.

This is the reality of anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you’ve ever lived before & you will never be the same

This will not make you happy.

Source:  http://clarity-is-recovering.tumblr.com/howtobecomeanorexic

i’ve got to get better. if not for me, then for my best friend (the one i named my butterfly after) sara. she wouldn’t want this for me.

My answer:

you make my heart warm <3

everyone needs to watch this video <3

yourenotinthisalonex:

1) Exercise, running ect.
2) Putting on fake tattoos 
3) Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it’s washable! ) 
4) Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper 
5) Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.) 
6) Cuddling with a stuffed toy 
7) Being with other people 
8) Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy) 
9) Posting on web boards, and answering others’ posts 
10) Thinking about how I DON’T want scars for the summer.

11) Painting your nails 

12) Going to see a movie 
13) Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food) 
14) Doing school work 
15) Surf the net 
16) Go into chat rooms to talk 
17) Call a friend and ask for company 
18) Playing a musical instrument 
19) Singing
20) Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful) 
21) Making your own list of things to do instead of SI 
22) Punching a punching bad (with gloves on) 
23) Snapping a rubber band on your wrist (or hair band) 
24) Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut 
25) Mix warm water and red food colouring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood) 
26) Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some) 
27) Sleep (only if you are tired) 
28) A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though) 
29) Play with a pet 
30) Detangling yarn or necklaces 
31) Re-organizing your room 
32) Cleaning (hmmm…I very rarely use this one! ) 
33) Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbours may think you are crazy, but that’s ok) 
34) Knitting or sewing 
35) Reading a good book 
36) Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37) Colouring your hair
38) Listening to music (not angry music though-that can trigger)
39) Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames! )
40) Finding someone else you can help out
41) Meditate
42) Watching a scary (but not bloody) movie.
43) Work on a website
44) Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity
45) Go somewhere very public
46) Bake cookies
47) Alphabetize your CD’s
48) Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49) Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50) Painting or drawing
51) Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces
52) Hugs-(this one is very nice…)
53) Writting letters or email
54) Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55) Stroke nice fabrics
56) Hug a pillow
57) Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58) fingerpaint
59) Scream real loud (I LOOOVE this one-just make sure no one is home)
60) Dance
61) Make hot chocolate (mmmmm….)
62) pop bubble wrap
63) play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64) count to one hundred
65) Build a pillow fort
66) pop balloons
67) Hug yourself
68) Chase mailmen
69) Reading things in a different language
70) Going for a nice, long drive
71) Complete something you’ve been putting off
72) Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73) Breaking plastic plates
74) Tearing up socks
75) Throwing socks against the wall
76) Archery 
77) Rock climbing 
78) Take up a new hobby 
79) Organise bills and such 
80) Cook a meal 
81) Go out for ice cream
82) Buy a stuffed animal (I collect Beanie Babies) 
83) Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork 
84) Create Something
85) Pray 
86) Make a list of blessings in your life 
87) Read the Bible
88) Go to a friend’s house
89) Play on a trampoline
90) Take up fencing
91) Watch an old, happy movie
92) Call a Help hotline or your Therapist
93) Talk to someone close to you that knows 
94) Throw a temper-tantrum 
95) Hit things-other than yourself 
96) Ride a bicycle
97) Polish silver or jewellery 
98) Gardening or watering house plants 
99) Memorizing German poetry (silly, but works! )
100) CHOCOLATE! ! ! ! ! ! ! 
101) Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102) Draw on the walls 
103) Play with facepaint 
104) Do very Glamerous make-up 
105) Colour with crayons 
106) Memorise a novel or play or song 
107) Put on boots and STAMP 
108) Stretch
109) Find butterflies
110) Watch fish 
111) Come up with baby names (even if you’re not pregnant
112) Make mashed potatoes
113) Make a tape of your favorite songs
114) Name all of your stuffed animals
115) Go SHOPPING! ! ! ! 
116) Get those japamas with slippery feet and slide on the floor.
117) Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger onthem instead of self.
118) Throw everything (except glass) into the centre 
119) Go to a loud concert
120) Play the 15 minute game (say you can’t cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again)
121) Plan your wedding / prom
122) Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123) Alphabetize your books
124) Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125) Take up Tai Chi
126) Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names)
127) count ceiling tiles/lights
128) go clubbing
129) search ridiculous things on the web
130) colour-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131) do a home tan on yourself
132) sort all your photographs
133) colour (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134) plan a dinner party
135) play with a slinky
136) but yourself some toys and play
137) start collecting comething
138) get a tattoo / peircing
139) play video/computer games
140) do a trash clean at your local park
141) Play on a swingset
142) go out and perforn a random act of kindness for someone
143) call up an old friend
144) write yourself an “I love you because” letter
145) put on fake nails
145) try to build something
146) re-arrange your house
147) go to a public place and people watch
148) go through all your old stuff
149) go bargain - hunting
150) smile at at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
151) go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
152) Listen to birds and talk to them! 
153) Start talking about evil bunnies and con fu bananas.
154) use clay and make silly things
155) think about your dream car and what you would do to it.
156) start talking to plants
157) kick around a soccer ball 
158) Make fish faces at self in mirror, siblings, neighbors, strangers, pets [including a pet fish!]
159) Play dress up.
160) PHOTOSHOOT TIME! :D
161) Play with little kids. [they never fail to make you smile :)]
162) Go on youtube and watch people’s first dance fecitals or VBS shows or musicals or class performances and such…esp. little kids…they’re SO CUTE in those things lol.
163) Pray
164) Go for a walk [with or without a friend].
165) Go to the mall.
166) Clean your room. [As long as your tools aren’t there.]
167) Try to do handstands.
168) Same thing with cartwheels and bridges and backbends and such.
169) Go to the goodwill or a consignment shop and try on clothes…both ones that you really like and the really silly/old stuff, for laughs!
170) Go to the park and see how high you can swing!
171) See how long you can hop on one leg. Try the other.
172) See how long you can balance on one leg. Then standing on a pillow. Then with your eyes closed. Then with your eyes closed, while standing on a pillow.
173) Teach your pet a new trick.
174) kick a guy you hate in the nuts
175) pretend your teddy bear was drowning, SAVE HIM/HER!
176) go for a walk
177) see how many baby steps it takes to get back home when you go for that walk
178) count EVERYTHING
179) mess up your room, then clean it all up
180) create ridiculous(non-triggering) things to do instead of cutting list
181) eat beans(lots of beans) and go out shopping and fart on random people by “accident”
182) masterbate!
183) write a note to a very useful inanimate object thanking it for how useful its been
184) move EVERYTHING in your room to a new spot
185) run around your house 5 times
186) go on a date with your boyfriend(or yourself if your single)
187) learn a new language
188) Make funny faces at yourself in the mirror
189) Try to cross your eyes
190) See how long you can cross your eyes
191) Get together with friends and play ultimate frisbee
192) Buy a cheap hula-hoop and see how long you can twirl it around your waist/arm/neck/foot/etc…
193) Jumprope. See how long you can go without tripping on the rope xD
194) Go to www.givesmehope.com and read the posts.
195) Go to www.mylifeisg.com and read the posts.
196) Go to www.mylifeisaverage.com and laugh at the stupider of posts xD
197) Randomly go up and hug a friend
198) Randomly go up and hug your parent [their reactions are funny when you first do it! :P If asked why, “No reason. Just felt like it.”]
199) Go to the mall and ask people to hug you. If they ask why, tell them either, “A friend dared me to ask people” or “I just feel like giving hugs today.” or “My friend and I have a contest going to see how many hugs we can give/get.” :D 
200) Wear a cape to the mall. If anyone asks, make something funny up. [i.e. “What cape?” or “To infinity…and BEYOND!” or maybe even “na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!” :P]
201) Set up a stereo somewhere…at the mall in the food court, at the end of your driveway, your room if you’re REALLY self conscious [or if people start asking you to quit singing xD] and sing it karaoke style :P
202) Photoshoot :) for like bebo/facebook/myspace
203) Become poltical, I go anti-bnp/ anti-facist events
204) become a veggie or something you want to become….. enviromentalist
205) Randomly search myspace music for new music. Or use pandora.com
206) Search youtube.com for comedians. Dane Cook works too. So does Jeff Dunham. I had someone to search for, but I forgot. xD
207) Play the “If inanimate objects talked, what would they say?” game.
208) Play the “If inanimate objects talked, what voice would they have?” game.
209) Facepaint
210) Go hang out with a younger neighbor kid. Younger kids are awesome. 

but i’m back. sorry for dropping off of the face of the earth. I’m pretty sure i’m stable enough to handle this blog for now <3

- Hannah

How are you guys tonight/today?

How is everyone tonight?

how are you bbys tonight?

My answer:

no problem at all, lovely <3

- Hannah